My Miscarriage Story {Part 1}

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o’er-fraught heart and bids it break. ~William Shakespeare

It’s been so long since I’ve entered this online space. I didn’t intend to take a blogging hiatus, but sometimes life happens. And then, sometimes that life event melts into another event and before you know it over four months have gone by. While I find blogging a great way to blog through the ups and downs of life, sometimes you just can’t put it all out there for all the world to see while it is happening. Sometimes you just need to sit with the sorrow before you invite others into the intimate spaces. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to write, quite the contrary, but more because I didn’t know how to give my sorrow words. How does one write the words they can’t even find in their heart?

In February, we found out that God was doing a new thing with us. After the initial shock of two pink lines, we were ecstatic. For us, fall and winter had been filled with lots of heartache as we walked away from broken community in search of a new church to call home.  Finding out I was pregnant for the second time during our adoption wait brought a giggle that I had a hard time containing within. It brought new joy to my days as I dreamed about another little one adding to the laughter and mischief in our home. It filled me with awe and wonder at God’s plan for our life.

pregnancy tests

I enjoyed three weeks of pregnancy bliss, much different from my first two hyperemesis filled pregnancies. Besides a few nausea filled moments, I never got sick. To that, we were filled with hope that it might be a girl. We were thankful and I was still able to function through my days of caring for the boys. I napped every day. I ate like it was nobody’s business…for once I enjoyed food during a pregnancy!

If I were to be honest, deep down I wondered if there could be something wrong. I’ve been told multiple times to expect hyperemesis with each pregnancy. By nature, I’m a worrier and grey clouds seem to follow me like a dust cloud follows Charlie Brown’s friend, Pigpen. Worrying is just what I do.

And then, there was that night of looking on the Waiting Child list for our adoption agency. The night so filled with hope as we read about a little girl that needed somebody to wrap arms around her and never let go. We cried over her pictures and decided to inquire about her. Sure, it was crazy, but if she was ours, the timing of pregnancies and adoptions would work out. We prayed for her and told God we’d follow Him wherever He took us.

Just a few minutes later, hope gave birth to fear as I found myself staring at blood in the toilet and doubled over in pain.

And I knew.

The next morning as I sat in the waiting room filled with bellies and anticipation, I was filled with fear. I didn’t want to walk into the ultrasound room. The memories of that room were happy; I wanted to keep it that way. As I paused in the doorway, Ray placed his hand in the small of my back to support me in the hardest thing we’ve had to do yet in our marriage. We held our breath while the ultrasound tech looked and measured on her hidden screen. Her question, “How sure are you about your dates?” gave away the answer to the news we already knew within. For once in my “mature” life, I knew the exact dates of my cycle. By our calculations, I was 8 weeks pregnant. By the ultrasound measurements, the baby was 5 weeks, 5 days.

It was over.

Read all the posts in My Miscarriage Story {Part 2} and {Part 3}.

Comments

  1. I am so sorry. I too found out I was pregnant in February, and had a miscarriage – my second – in March. So, so sorry.

    • Anna, So sorry to hear that we’re in the same boat. It is heartbreaking, and yet, I have found great comfort knowing that my child is doing what God created us to do–worship HIM! Hugs to you!

  2. I am so sorry!!! I never know what to say when this happens.
    (((HUGS!!!)))

  3. Thanks for sharing! Grief is such a hard thing to put into words. Praying for peace for you and your family 🙂

    • Thank you, Janalynn. Grief is overwhelmingly hard to wade through.

      • Yes for sure. My husband and I just journeyed through almost 4 years of infertility. I was praying for you again this morning and God brought this quote from Beth Moore to my mind “God is with us and for us, even if His face and favor seem hidden.” So wonderful to know through this heartbreak that your baby is rejoicing with Jesus! I just started blogging again (www.babymenter.blogspot.com) after 2 years and I will add you to my list of must reads!

  4. Oh Sarah, I’m glad that you are in a place where you can put words to this. It’s so very hard. I have been in the exact same place and it’s hard to explain how much you can grieve over a person that you have never even seen. Walking out of that ultrasound and knowing that your story is different than the other women in that room is such a lonely feeling. Praise God that he is a loving father who grieves with us. I’m so thankful that you know His peace.

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I miscarried twice by missed miscarriage. The first I knew, by the pictures on the wall walking into the ultrasound room. My baby was still as small as 5-1/2 weeks but I was already 9-1/2 weeks. I went on to carry my baby two more weeks knowing there was never a heartbeat. Second one had a heartbeat but at 9-1/2 weeks I miscarried. It’s so hard to completely accept the pregnancy and let the joy set in knowing this could happen again. Looking forward to seeing your part 2. xo

  6. Tara McClenahan says:

    My sweet friend, I am so sorry to hear this. I went through this too eight yrs ago. It totally rocked my world in every way imaginable. Praying for you!

  7. So BRAVE to share. Here are a few things I learned after my miscarriage, that maybe will help you if you haven’t heard them already.

    1. Something that really helped me was I gave my babe a name.

    2. It is going to be hard when you hit that due date…do what you need that day. Have a celebration of the time you had or just take time for yourself. Maybe have a few close friends write down the date on their calendars so they will remember to lift you up in prayer that day. Whatever is going to help you!

    3. You will randomly cry even several months after. It wasn’t really until after the due date that the crying seemed to subside for me. Remember you aren’t crazy. It is ok to have those moments. LEAN ON JESUS!

    Sending love and hugs!

    • Thank you, Madonna. I’m already bracing for due date grief. I realized this weekend that I would’ve started feeling movement by now. Leaning on Jesus fully right now.

  8. Sara, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage many years ago (nearly 12) between my first and second sons. It was the most devastating experience I have ever endured and so I feel for you, more than you know. I think about that baby all the time and always will. However, I am very fortunate to now have 4 healthy sons and I try to remind myself to be thankful and grateful. It took quite a while to get passed that experience and go on. It seemed impossible at the time, but I did. In time, you will, too. Please know that you are in my thoughts and heart.

    Carla M.

  9. Oh my sweet friend. I am so sorry for your loss and you are so inspiring by glorifying Him through your storm. Sending you giant hugs.

  10. I was so excited to see an email from “Happy Brown House” in my inbox. And then I was so, so sad to read this. Sara, I am so sorry. Praying for you today.

    • Thank you Ami. It has been a very rough time for us, but God has been carrying us through this time. He has brought peace and comfort in the hardest of moments. Thank you for the prayers.

  11. oh, i’m so sorry-sending lots of hugs- i had a miscarriage too-about the same time as you-and you just never expect it-it’s so hard, i hate to hear that anyone else had to go through the same thing

  12. Four years ago, I found out I was pregnant in February and miscarried in April. I will pray for you. I’ve tried to blog about it time and again, and even now, I find writing the words to be difficult though the grace and comfort God gave me at that time brought me close to him in a way I had never been. Thank you for sharing.

  13. I lost our #3 in January at just about 8 weeks. I’m a mom of 2 boys and this is my 2nd miscarriage. I miscarried between my boys. While heartache seems like the only feeling, may there be hope as well. I lost our special one, and found out weeks later, my brother and his wife are expecting their first. The birthdays would have been days apart…maybe not even. I wholeheartedly believe God had in his plan to allow the joys of all the firsts for them, and our time for our next bundle will come in due time. **hugs**

  14. Denise Wilson says:

    I miscarried at 10 weeks last October, and it was probably the most difficult thing I had ever experienced. But, the Lord is gracious and his grace is sustaining. He carried us through, and someday we will meet our little one! We are now expecting another one, due the beginning of this October. So far, everything seems fine!

    • “gracious and sustaining” Yes. He is both of those! I’m sure you are treasuring these days and scared all at the same time. Congratulations!

  15. Oh I’m so sorry. I’ve walked down this path twice and there is nothing quite as painful as losing a child. Praying that God brings you comfort during this season of grieving…

  16. I’m so sorry, Sara.

Trackbacks

  1. […] post is part 2 of my miscarriage story. If you haven’t already, read My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} first. […]

  2. […] be the name of the Lord   Did you miss the beginning? Read My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} and My Miscarriage Story {Part […]

  3. […] My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} My Miscarriage Story {Part 2} My Miscarriage Story {Part 3} On Due Dates and Miscarriages {My second miscarriage} The Post I Never Expected to Write About Adoption {Our Disrupted Adoption} […]

  4. […] that my stories would be a balm to your soul today. These are my greatest heartaches of motherhood. My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} My Miscarriage Story {Part 2} My Miscarriage Story {Part 3} On Due Dates and Miscarriages {My second […]

Speak Your Mind

*