My Miscarriage Story {Part3}

Four hours of people-watching and a ruined pair of jeans later, I was finally seen by an emergency room doctor. He sent me for an ultrasound–a very thorough internal ultrasound with…wait for it… my BRAND NEW next door neighbor that I hadn’t even met yet. “Hi, I’m Sara. Here are my lady parts. Welcome to the neighborhood. I’m probably not bringing you a plate of cookies after this.” It was confirmed that I would need a D&C immediately.

My husband thought it would be funny to take my picture while I was loopy…

 

Words cannot express how grateful I am for the surgical team God placed in my path that night. They were so comforting. The OB on-call for the night prayed with us and wiped my tears before they wheeled me into surgery. The words to Matt Redman’s song, “Blessed Be Your Name” swirled around in my head over and over. I vaguely remember singing it as the anesthesia took effect and hearing someone in the operation room sing with me as I drifted off to sleep.

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
My heart will choose to say,
Lord, blessed be your name…

 

grief

The week after the D&C was harder than I ever thought possible. I found myself wading in an ocean of grief and the waves knocked me down over and over until I was too tired to stand back up again. The deep, primal weeping and wailing found its way to the surface. I retreated to my bed and hid under the covers. I slept a lot. I barely showered. As we say in the South, I was a hot-mess.

donuts

Some trusted friends entered into my grief in very large ways. My best friend kept the boys overnight while I was having my D&C. Several friends brought meals. One friend showed up at my front door with two boxes of donuts because that’s what she went through when she had her miscarriages. Another friend showed up with a bouquet of gerber daisies–four red and one white to represent our family. Cards. Text messages. Coming over to sit, weep with me and pray over me. Every single one of these acts of love were so simple, but they helped me not to let the waves of grief hold me down for very long.

While I was allowed time to grieve, I was also encouraged to keep moving forward so I wouldn’t get stuck in my grief. I had two boys to care for and a life to live. One day my best friend lovingly called me stinky and told me to take a shower. I had to text her a picture for proof that my task was complete. Each day I did something more than I did the day before until I was back into the swing of things.

The waves of grief still find me occasionally. For instance, today I finally cleaned out the bag the OBGYN gave me at my first visit containing samples, baby coupons, and pre-registration papers for delivery. I shed a few tears, pulled it together and fixed lunch for the boys while listening to “Blessed Be your Name” on Pandora.

While I’d give almost anything to hold my baby in October, God has been so gracious and poured out blessings in the midst of our grief. Women in our family have shared the secret of their own miscarriages many years ago. Friendships have been taken to a different level of intimacy. I have been given an opportunity to minister to others through sharing my grief.

I may never know why I didn’t get to hold my child this side of Heaven, but I know this…my lullabies can never compare to the lullabies in Heaven. My child is doing exactly what we are all created to do: worshiping God. I take great comfort in that.

Blessed be the name of the Lord
 
Did you miss the beginning? Read My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} and My Miscarriage Story {Part 2}.

Comments

  1. Oh Sara, this brought back fresh memories of my losses and I shed a few tears. Blessed Be Your Name was so powerful for me too. I remember two weeks after my first m/c singing that in church – tears streaming down my face and yet with a peace welling up within me that could have only come from the Holy Spirit.

    Thanks for sharing your journey. I know it will bless many…

    • Thank you, Heather. I’ve been amazed at how close the Holy Spirit has been to comfort me. He has literally carried me through the days.

  2. Thank you for writing your story. I am still praying for you.
    Oh what a day that will be when our little children will run to our arms. Until then we rest in knowing that they are safe in the arms of Jesus 🙂

    love you

  3. Heather Stubblefield says:

    Sara,
    Brandon and I went through a miscarriage early in our marriage. I had no idea I was pregnant until I wasn’t anymore. But it still hurt and felt like I had done something wrong. And then losing our precious Nolan brought a new pain that I can’t even put into words. He’s been gone almost 5 years, and I still think of him daily. Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming I can’t breathe. But those times are becoming less frequent as “time heals all wounds.” Just know that however you grieve, it’s okay, as long as you are still moving. After Nolan died, I wrote on his CarePage that we were not “moving on,” we were just moving. And that was good enough. I pray for you and know that whatever God’s got planned will be better than what we could ever plan for ourselves. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I know that will help with your healing. Blessings and hugs to you!

  4. hugs!

  5. Sara – I have been praying for you since I saw the picture of you in this post on instagram. I am just now getting a chance to read you posts.. you are beautiful inside and out and I was very moved by your vulnerability and honesty. I have tears reading through this and I am glad you had an amazing support system through this pain!

  6. Just had to let you know how much your posts touched me. I visited your blog today for the cute pack for Dog’s Colorful Day. Then I saw these posts in the lists of recent posts. I recently went through a miscarriage. I blogged a little on it but it is so true that we don’t talk about it. Our society feels comfortable asking personal questions about “when/if you’re having another” or why you can’t. Mention miscarriage and everyone gets uncomfortable and quiet. Thank you for sharing about your days — they could have been mine. (((hugs))) to you.

    • Thank you, Hillary. I hesitated about posting these raw posts, but I know God has used this story already in the lives of so many. So sorry for your loss as well.

  7. Nicole Rene says:

    I just have to say THANK YOU for writing about your loss. My son would be 2 months old right now if we hadn’t lost him. Here I am almost a year later and I think about what could have and should have been every single moment of every day. So many people don’t understand the emotional and obvious physical pain that comes with miscarriage. Reading your story has made me cry and smile just to know that I am not alone in my grief. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but it’s good to know you aren’t alone. Thank you for sharing your story and I am very sorry for your loss.

    -Nicole

  8. Sara,
    Reading your story made me feel the loss of my little ones again. My last miscarriage was almost 6 years ago, but I still feel deep sadness at times when I least expect it. God continues to heal my broken heart. I’m glad you know him too and he’s walking with you through your hard days. Thanks for sharing your personal story.

    • Lisa,
      I’m sorry to know you’re in the same club, but I have hope that we’ll one day hold those babies we so dearly miss this side of Heaven. While I wish I didn’t know the pain of two miscarriages and a disrupted adoption, I pray that telling my story helps another.

Trackbacks

  1. […] And here I sit, numb and shocked about the whirlwind weekend full of so many ups and downs, wondering and crying out for answers. Trying to understand why and what purpose this holds in our life, knowing that only time will tell. Reminding myself that He carried us through this last time and knowing He will again. Reminding myself that I will still choose to say “Blessed be Your Name.” […]

  2. […] Did you miss a post in my miscarriage story? Read My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} and My Miscarriage Story {Part 3} […]

  3. […] my greatest heartaches of motherhood. My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} My Miscarriage Story {Part 2} My Miscarriage Story {Part 3} On Due Dates and Miscarriages {My second miscarriage} The Post I Never Expected to Write About […]

  4. […] my greatest heartaches of motherhood. My Miscarriage Story {Part 1} My Miscarriage Story {Part 2} My Miscarriage Story {Part 3} On Due Dates and Miscarriages {My second miscarriage} The Post I Never Expected to Write About […]

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