Permission To Feel

Life isn’t a Hallmark commercial.

I think that’s why I found myself crying while folding the laundry and half-watching the television. The Mother’s Day commercials that usually leave me saying “Aww” have left a bittersweet taste in my mouth this year. For the first time, I understand what so many other women feel about just skipping the day all together. The day just serves as a reminder of what could’ve been.

Permission to Feel--When Mother's Day is Hard www.happybrownhouse.com/permission-to-feel/

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking–that I’m dwelling in the land of have-nots instead of remembering the blessings under my roof, but I’m not dwelling there. Sometimes, my mind just seems to peek over the fence for a while when I think about the empty chair at the kitchen table. You see, I realized that every first milestone I pass on the freshly paved road of grief will be be a little painful this year.

Mother’s Day just so happens to be my first hurdle.

I could say the things like “Every day is Mother’s Day” and other little platitudes, but that would be a load of empty words. Yes, I’m a mother of two boys and every day is, in fact, Mother’s Day, but then we go and place a special day on the calendar to celebrate. We schedule baby dedications and bring the kids in from children’s church to hand out roses to their mommies. We ask the mothers to stand while we clap for them in appreciation, while others silently want to slide under their seat and crawl to the nearest exit.

This is the first year I understand how extremely painful this special day can be.

Permission to Feel--when Mother's Day is hard www.happybrownhouse.com

 

I would’ve been 19 weeks by now. Just a week away from finding out if I’d be buying pink or using hand-me-downs from two big brothers. Most likely, I would be feeling the flutters of movement–just our little secret until the kicks got big enough to feel from the outside.

And it hurts.

I don’t want to dwell on the things that never will be for this child, because really, I could be in mourning every day for the rest of my life if I did. But, certain things just can’t be ignored or stuffed down deep. Certain things have to be mourned. So today, I give myself permission to feel because that’s where the healing begins.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

My Motherhood Heartaches

Maybe you or a friend are hurting and need to hear you’re not alone in your grief. It is my hope that my stories would be a balm to your soul today. These are my greatest heartaches of motherhood.
My Miscarriage Story {Part 1}
My Miscarriage Story {Part 2}
My Miscarriage Story {Part 3}
On Due Dates and Miscarriages {My second miscarriage}
The Post I Never Expected to Write About Adoption {Our Disrupted Adoption}

Let’s chat in the comments: Is this a hard day for you? What are some ways you deal with the pain?

Comments

  1. Danielle Hull says:

    I’m so glad you shared this. I didn’t give myself permission to feel when I had my miscarriage. It was about a month before Mother’s Day. I sat at the computer a lot. And ate. And ate some more. Hugs and prayers.

  2. Jennifer Davis says:

    This day is hard for me, because I know I will never be a mother. I have been on dialysis for the past 4 years, waiting for a kidney transplant. My body will never be strong enough to support a pregnancy, even once I have a transplant. Because of all of my medical bills, adoption is out of the question as well since it is too expensive.

    So hold your boys tight, and know that some of us never get even one chance to be a mother.

    • Praying for your heart, Jennifer. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story here with me. You’re right, I will never fully know what it’s like to not have a chance to be a mother. But I can imagine the pain I feel after my losses and know that it is in the same vein of grief.

  3. Rebecca says:

    Thank you for sharing this. I lost my first child two weeks ago at 4.5 months pregnant. I was seeking some comfort when I found this. This is one of many first hurtles for me and I am allowing myself to grieve and feel my emotions.

  4. Thank you for this post. I had a miscarriage over Valentine’s Day weekend, then was hoping to find out that I was pregnant over Mother’s Day weekend, only to find out that I was not pregnant. Trying to stay positive… I didn’t realize it could hurt so bad.

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