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I know it’s been over a week since I’ve posted. I’m here. I’ve been covered up with embroidery orders since I did the Christmas Craft Market last weekend…with before Christmas deadlines. The only problem with that is that Ray has worked over 70, yes 70, hours this week and it is hard for me to embroider with a 2 year old “helper” at my side. More importantly I’ve been deep in thought about things. Deep, messy thoughts. The kind that don’t really jive with my blog’s title “Happy Brown House”. The kind of thoughts that bring tears and a heaviness to my heart. Things that have been weighing me down for quite a long time. Things that I thought I had dealt with. Things that Satan likes to throw in my face and taunt me. You know the kind…
- Wondering if Jonah will ever know my family…
- Wondering if some things are even worth the heartache…
- Wondering if I’m ready to open up my heart and life again to possible hurt and rejection…
- Wondering what Christmas will be like…Thanksgiving was lonely and not what I had hoped…
- Wondering what it is about me that makes me so unlovable…
- Wondering about friendships and missing the true ones that I once had…
- Wondering why Ray and I are often left out of things…are we really that forgettable?
- Feeling invisible…
- Wondering if I will be pregnant again soon and trying to be happy for those that have announced pregnancies lately…We’ve been trying for quite some time now…and even thought we were, but then the dreaded bleeding started…(sorry, TMI)
- Feeling like there is a pregnancy “competition” that I didn’t even enter…
- Wondering why? (I know, that’s never healthy, but we all do it)
- Growing pains as a mother
- Loneliness
- Bitterness
- Replaying lots of yucky memories
As these thoughts were spinning around in my head, we watched “A Charlie Brown Christmas” special with Jonah. The first opening lines really hit home for me. I realized that I am Charlie Brown this Christmas season. I want more. This realization stopped me dead in my tracks…
You see, My God sent his ONLY son to be born in a manger. To be the ONLY perfect one. To DIE for me and you. To bear all of my SINS. To COMFORT me and pull me out when I follow Satan to the deep, dark place. To be all that I need–family, friend, FATHER.
It was then that I could see HIS ways…
- People have been placed in our lives to be surrogates for the family roles missing at this time in our lives. Jonah calls one of the ladies “NaNa” (pronounced nay-nay). He calls another lady “Aunt Sharon”. They love him and treat him as if he were their own grandson. I have several ladies that I consider mentors. They are who I call when I can’t remember how to make my mom’s chili recipe or when I have a question about discipline. They have showered me with kindness and have a gentle manner about them. They pray over me and with me. They have been there for me when my own mother wasn’t. They came to the hospital when I was sick with pregnancy and were waiting as I had my emergency c-section to rejoice at Jonah’s birth. God reminded me that I am loved by these mothers.
- We have so much to be thankful for this Christmas. We can make our own traditions. We already do lots of my growing up traditions, we can just tweak them for the 3 of us. Small family gatherings can be just as fun.
- I married my best friend. We need to carve out some time for each other. (I can’t wait until busy-season is over!!)
- In HIS timing we will have another little one. I have been blessed once already. There are women who haven’t even experienced one birth yet. Patience.
- I am here my child….Let me comfort you…Let me pour love, peace and joy over you…
Psalm 42:5–Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey- the name of your blog doesn't mean you can't have down post or two! I am so proud of you for turning it around and moving your focus to Christ. I know the value of Titus 2 women in our lives. My mom is not a believer and I feel the lack, but my aunt and others have stepped in the gap for me. God places people in your life.
(I'm over here from the Mama Buzz list- following you now- have you followed me?)
This was so well written Sara. You have a beautiful way of sharing your heart with others. I love that I can call you my friend!
Kara T.
I too love how you have turned this around! You are an inspiration
I think we all have dark thoughts, but how we handle them can be so different and make a world of difference!
We love you guys and hope to see you again soon!
This was exactly what I needed at this time in my life. I can relate with you in many of your comments. Thanks for helping us understand that God is our Abba father and what the true meaning of Christmas is really all about.