You know that feeling when you can't get a baby to stop crying, no matter what you try...
Try feeling it for several months straight. It kinda stinks...in the worst way.
It wreaks havoc on your mommy self-esteem. Rips it to shreds and then stomps on it repeatedly. Then, as if that wasn't enough, you start questioning your sanity. Wondering, "Am I really losing it or is that the colic, sleep-deprivation, haven't-had-a-shower-in-two-days thing talking?" It's a very fine line, my friend.
It's been a tough time at our house on the baby front. Sweet little brother, Asher, had colic. I think it's gone, but I don't want to jinx it. Colic is rough stuff. Currently, we're dealing with an extreme aversion to sleep it seems. He fights it like I've never seen before. Then, out of the blue, he decides he really IS tired and screams at the top of his lungs because he's over-tired. Really, over-tired might be an understatement...he's downright exhausted by the end of the day because big brother, Jonah, can't seem to leave him alone.
Jonah: "Mommy, Asher woke up."
Mommy: "Yes, Jonah, babies wake up when you shake the bouncy seat and yell at them."
One would think that he'd be sleeping long periods of time at night since he's overtired...one would be wrong. Dead wrong. I can't seem to find the magic equation that results in sleep for him. I think he's most comfortable on his tummy, but that is a recent hypothesis we're still testing.
I used to be such a confident mom, but then Asher arrived and threw my parenting "theories" out the window...followed quickly by our household schedule and routine. It's left me feeling like we're in a tailspin and I just wish the captain of the plane would grab hold of the controls and land us already....Only we're not on a plane, and I'm the adult that is fresh out of ideas on how to steady the horizon.
And so for now, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that THIS IS A SEASON. A sleepless season. A season for staying in spit-up covered pajamas. A walk-the-floors-and-bounce-a-fussy-baby season. A season for being selfless for the one that is literally helpless without me. Then one day, I'll wake up surprised and refreshed from a night of uninterrupted sleep. And it will feel oh so good!
In the meantime, I'll embrace the moments that keep me going...
- Asher giggling in his sleep...when he finally sleeps
- Jonah telling "brother secrets" to Asher during floor time
- Early morning "Daddy & Asher" time, so Mommy can get a little extra sleep before the next feeding
- Phone calls from friends
- Milestones met (even if they haven't been blogged about yet!)
- Scripture reading during nursing sessions...we're both getting "fed"
- Milk-drunk smiles
- A hand that finds its way to the small of my back while I'm up nursing in the middle of the night
- and so many more...
One day, not too far down the road I've been told, I'll turn to my husband and say "You remember how it felt when they needed us?" Yeah, that...